Bigmacs and Buckets

This isn't the first time I've said this...

2011-12-15T06:27:00.001-08:00

... But hopefully it can be the last.

:)

I intend (yet again) to turn over a new leaf. I hope I'm going to post more on my poor, neglected and abused blog and bring the standards up a little. I'm going to delete a few of my old blogs - and many of the posts on this one - in an attempt to do just that.

The things that have (and haven't) changed.
People who knew me before might see I'm a lot more serious than I used to be, though people who know me now might not be able to imagine someone any less serious than this outwardly immature girl.
I'm still sort of bi
I'm still interested in philosophy, politics, psychology and sociology at the same times as spirituality (since they mingle quite a lot)
Still never died my hair, had a piercing or a tattoo - and still dreaming about it. :P (really too chicken to make such a change)
I think I'm more mature than I used to be, not neccesarily less miserable and selfish just a little more accepting of it.
I'm still in love. :) Though some complications have popped up here and there in that area.
I've had a lot more work experience (XD) The only reason that's important is that I've had more life experiences. I never expected to learn as much as I have over the past year.

Well, I hope the things I put in this blog are a much better contribution to blogging from here on in. :D

My year

2010-08-16T13:15:00.000-07:00

Even after all the crap that's happened this year I still think it's the best year of my life so far. Last year being the worst.

I don't feel like I'm alone and better still I don't feel like just letting myself be alone. OK, so I can't do anything to change anything that's going on in my life. I can't change people's opinions of me, that's obvious. No matter what I do everyone has a bad view of me; probably the one they should have.

My exam results come in on Thursday. I don't particularly want them because I already know I'm just a failure. No matter how hard I try it has no effect on the final outcome.

So far, the only emotion everyone seem to be feeling over the possibility of me getting kicked out is excitement. That's fine. I'd kinda expect that. It means someone gets a bigger bedroom. There's no one there to scream at everybody. A mouth less to feed. Somebody else not to get in the way of people who actually do work. Smaller phone bill. Oh yeah and someone will need to take over cleaning the bathroom, on a last minute thought. It's not much but you'd notice it if it wasn't done... Well, I do anyway. lol. It's like no one else has a sense of smell around here. lol.

Anyway, this has been the best year of my life so far. I can't really explain it. I could try but I know no one, or very few, would understand and everyone else would just call it stupid but.... anyway.

Feels like I only had thirty seconds of feeling like I could actually make something of myself. Everything just wants to stand in my way and I'm ready to give up. But, that was a nice thirty seconds.

I've fallen in love.

I've met people who make me feel good about myself and actually have reasons to think good things about me.

Othello

2010-01-31T07:21:00.000-08:00

I'm in here doing my homework right now. I'm a little stuck in here because everywhere else is too cold or too noisy. Mind you, it's still quite noisy in here.

Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum are in the next room, currently arguing over the TV. Tweedle Dee is chanel surfing for Sports and Tweedle Dum is looking for any chance he can get to agravate the situation.

Before, when they were fighting over doing the washing up or *not* doing the washing up. Tweedle Dum, I believe fancied himself as Iago in that conversation with Cassio... I guess that makes me Othello. I can only hear parts of the sentences but there's something about the phone and one of their mothers.

I dislike the obnoxious pair, the Tweedles. Maybe that makes me Alice. I doubt it. I might be one of those snobby flowers. Right now, I don't feel like the Cheshire cat.

Want Me

2010-01-07T06:53:00.001-08:00

Well, you’ve got your way now.
You’ve pushed away my friends.
I’ve got to ask just how
The means justify the ends.

I thought you wanted me baby.
It looks like you revel in my pain.
Turns out you must hate me.
I’ll never fall for you again.

I don’t mind guys who want me.
The ones who want to keep me close.
But I can’t bear if you treat me
Like a person can be owned.

I thought you wanted me baby.
It looks like you revel in my pain.
Turns out you must hate me.
I’ll never fall for you again.

Hey, hey don’t come near me.
I know what you think you need.
You look like you want to tear me
Just enough to make it bleed.

I thought you wanted me baby.
It looks like you revel in my pain.
Turns out you must hate me.
I’ll never fall for you again.

see more Lolcats and funny pictures

I'm gone

2010-01-07T06:52:00.000-08:00

We’re staring out at the white landscape
For a moment I forget where I am
Sometimes we're just so scared of ourselves
We forget to do what we can

For a moment I’m allowed to be breathless
For a moment I don’t need to be restless
For a moment I can move on
Please don’t stop me, I’m gone.

We’re staring out at the white landscape
I feel empty and cold without your hands
I know I’ll be alone some day;
Sad when the snow turns to sand

For a moment I’m allowed to be breathless
For a moment I don’t need to be restless
For a moment I can move on
Please don’t stop me, I’m gone.

We’re staring out at the white landscape
Yet the sky’s so blue up above
You’ve brought me so much sadness
When you taught me pain comes with love

For a moment I’m allowed to be breathless
For a moment I don’t need to be restless
For a moment I can move on
Please don’t stop me, I’m gone.

We’re staring out at the white landscape
And drawing shapes in the snow
Next to my name it sais ‘I love you’
You put it there, and I know.

For a moment I’m allowed to be restless
For a moment I don’t need to be breathless
Please don’t let me move on
Hold me back before I’m gone!

see more Lolcats and funny pictures

Breaking free

2010-01-07T06:46:00.000-08:00

Right, we're going for a kind of emo thing here... Not my best...

Into the winds; I hear you cry;
We’re crashing like birds wishing to die.
Hey, babe, wipe the tears from your eyes.
We never even had to say goodbye.

Try to break free
From reality.
If anyone can do it, it’s you and me.

You hold me high
I’ll win the fight
As long as you say you’re on my side.

Don’t speak, because words aren’t enough.
I’m thriving on not your voice but your touch.
You’re the one thing I can’t give up,
You take my breath away, you taint my blood.

Try to break free
From reality.
If anyone can do it, it’s you and me.

You hold me high
I’ll win the fight
As long as you say you’re on my side.

Don’t stop me; struggling’s all I can do.
I won’t fight for myself, I’ll fight for you.
You are my peace, you’re my ticket through.
You are the only force by which I’m subdued.

Try to break free
From reality.
If anyone can do it, it’s you and me.

You hold me high
I’ll win the fight
As long as you say you’re on my side.

see more Lolcats and funny pictures

wehay

2010-01-07T06:19:00.000-08:00

Right, I've not given this place a second glance in a while but I've been up to other things... why of course I have. :) Most of this week it's been snowing - between the times it's been absolute gloriously blinding sunshine yet temperatures below freezing.

I had a great christmas... I got what I wanted and more. :) Well, I've already got everything I want in the world, but enough about that or I'll start sighing and talking in a dream like voice about you probably don't know who. Anyway, christmas was fun. :) Spent a lot of it watching Red Dwarf Season 1. All I wanted was a book but the fam thought it a great idea to give me something for my - ok one of my largest addictions; water. I have a great big water cooler in a box in my not particularly furbished bedroom...

It might be good to say that we've built one of the wardrobe... shells... Honestly, I was in tears the time it fell apart. Damned instructions, IKEA don't know how to build their own furniature. Well, I had wondered before making it about the second problem we encountered... Of course it would technically theoretically FIT in my bedroom but that didn't mean we were going to get it in there.

Mum could have asked me to check it with a bit of Opposite over Adjacent equals sinetheta and Adjacent over Cosinetheta equals hypotenuse then if hypotenuse>room height it's too tall... But those aren't the kind of things that you think of beforehand - I know I wouldn't have but I will in the future... oh, you don't know what I'm talking about? Well, The tilted height of the wardrobe was too tall, so we couldn't get the wardobe from lying down on the floor to standing up. In fact, my bedroom is 8cm too short.

Well, we had to dismantle it again and saw the top bit of it off. I cried again, then. :'( When Dad said 'come and help me saw the top off' he meant 'here's the saw, take it away genius!'... Genius is an insult, by the way. :P Nah... So now I have a wardrobe shell, I reckon a few more months and I might have another one... give it a year or two and I'll have shelves... I wonder if I'll ever have a carpet. Just joking, if it gets that bad I'll sort it all out by myself... not that I can handle the drill properly or anything. But, I can certainly follow instructions and I was pointing out a few of my Dads' mistakes along the way.

see more Lolcats and funny pictures

Enough about that. The fire works in Fishguard on New years' were amazing! We left just after. :( But I discovered I look better in Dads' motorbike jacket but his offer to sell it to me didn't seem so good. Those jackets are worth A LOT! I think I'll buy my own some day.... *sighs*... NO DON'T LET ME DAYDREAM!!

My new years' resolutions are:
Get a job (A paying job)
No more blaspheme
Try to accapt that you can't make everyone like you.

Oh and we've just got water back! We've had not water since Saturday! My last bath was on Fryday. (ew) It's funny how easy it is to take things for granted. Absolutely crazy actually. I mean, I've been going insane without water. But, you'll find that you can wash your face and brush teeth with a quarter of a pint of water - and I'm not talking about spitting back into the pint (ew)...

Anyway, the bath's running. It's not going to be very deep or terribly hot. (I just heard mum say it'll probably thawe by Saturady *touches wood**). I don't care what the bath's like - as long as it's wet, clean and warmer than ice!

Anyway, I haven't posted in a while so the next few posts are going to be lyrics. :) Hope you like. :)

see more Lolcats and funny pictures

Read it

2009-10-29T11:20:00.000-07:00

Force war on us
And we'll war on you.
Force disorder on us
And we'll form queues.
Force us to separate
And we'll unite.
Force peace on us
And we'll fight.
Force fairness on us
And we'll take more than our share.
Force our children on us
And we'll put them into care.
Force the law on us
And we'll break it.
Force love on us
And we'll hate it.
Force cleanliness on us
And we'll reak.
Force Welsh on us;
English, we'll speak.

Whatever you do,
Don't steal my voice
Because the best choices
Are made by choice.

I'm fed up of not being able to speak

2009-10-06T13:36:00.000-07:00

No matter what Bethan sais, no one will ever be able to take it in the correct context, understand it or even use it. Bethan's rather fed up of having no one Bethan can talk to because there is no one whome she feels she can show her sad or angry side to who will understand anything she has to say.

She's fed up of saying something and it meaning nothing.
She's fed up of saying something when she wants help when instead she just gets caged in by the concequences of trusting someone too much.
She's fed up of people who are so barely educated yet bost academic superiority over others - people who bost 'my linguistic skills this; my linguistic skills that' and can't even manage a second language or even the basics of metaphors.

She's also fed up of herself and how she's jolted at the surprise when someone's not who she thinks they are - either the person who doesn't like something she would have thought of them as interested in or the untrustworthy friend.
She's fed up with herself for needing to speak to someone when if she's the only one who can understand then surely the fact that she can understand means she doesn't need help.
She's fed up of herself for accepting kindness out of insincerity - when someone should be showing kindness to someone else out of love.

She's fed up of insincerity! It's just hypocracy under another name, played in a different game.
She's fed up of wondering what's wrong when she's just sad because she's sad. All the things that make her sad are just an accumulation of small things, crystalising around one big thing (that's a kind of metaphor if you're one of the people I've mentioned before who claims to have briliant linguistic whatever skills).

Bethan has four pieces of work to give in tomorrow. I mean proper work.
Biology essay.
Essay for l4NVQ
Powerpoint for l4NVQ
Short story for creative writing.

There might even be a biology test for tomorrow and Bethan might be a little unprepared. However, Bethan has no free lessons that day to revise beforehand or so she hopes. She really needs for the lady with the l4NVQ course to come in lesson 1&2 because Bethan is not free any other lesson and has made it known. Bethan does know, however, that there is someone who'll try and make it easy to piss her off because this person know Bethan is under a whole load of stress at the moment trying to stop four A levels from blowing away. However, this person with a lot of free time and little to waste it on is unappreciative of people with little time and a lot to waste it with.

Bethan is fed up of not knowing where she has to be looking - in front of her, over her shoulder, attack from beneath? or attack from the sky?
Bethan is fed up.
Would you guess?

Feeling Good - learning to sing

2009-09-19T11:12:00.000-07:00

Right, I have a goal. Do you know what it is? It is to learn this song:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h8tuTSi6Sck
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=inW91qRDGwI
http://www.lyricsfreak.com/n/nina+simone/feeling+good_20100629.html

Can you see my dilema...? well, I intend to learn the guitar to play it. (oh ma naivite, c'est tres amusant). That's not the problem, no. HOW do you sing it? When I want to sing it, naturally the version I want to sing is my own... but omg. I've never found it so hard to practice a song. It's absolutely wunterbar; mais assez difficile!

2009-07-13T15:30:00.000-07:00

Don’t tell me how to live;
What words, what foods, what ways, what friends
For I am flaws; you need to forgive
That I’m a traitor to your trends.

I'm fed up of taking your stinking shit.

I've been angry for a very long time. I've not been angry at anyone, so who do I shout at? I'm not angry at the world because as far as I know it really hasn't noticed I'm thereyet so I shouldn't flatter myself with the idea that that's the reason my life is a complete mess. When I can't take it out on anybody, what do i do? Just rot? I feel like smashing something to pieces. I feel lie i want something to show. There is nothing. I'm just completely a-fucking-lone. No way do i want someone humming around me asking me if I'm ok. I just need someone who can already tell I'm not. Someone like that understands. If you need to ask then you're a thick shit, aren't you?

I don't need anyone to tell me what's healthy. I do biology. I know. I don't need anyone to tell me what I'm like. I understand it better than you do - ~ - obviously.

Wanna kow about the wall? I'm too fucking respectful to give you something real to remember the past year of my life by. You know, like black eyes, infertility, no light bulbs, door off their hinges... blah blah blah.

So I write all the thoughts I've had to hold inside my head until they turn stagnant, start to stink and start slaughtering the nice memmories in my head by the score. I don't need you telling me you think you know who and what I am when you can't even see that you're choking yourself. I don't need someone who summarises things as if it's all relative to whatever. "I was afraid I would end up like you but I'm glad I didn't." Fuck you. Because you already know there's too much under the surface for there to be any such thing as 'like me'. You've already admitted you think I'm comparable to devils' spawn. well, fuck that! I don't take these things lightly. I'm fed up of this. I killed something inside me, the good bit, so that you wouldn't have to endure that part on the surface and you're still a complete, blind little tart. I'm fed up.

I tried hard. I can't be bothered. Fuck you. I hope you rot in hell in the dungeons under my responsibility because you'll see what really lies in your head- and that doesn't involve friendly chats.

Hypocracy. Lies. Self-centredness.

The things I hate in you.

Rigt now. I see little else.

art.

2009-06-27T06:55:00.001-07:00

Here's some of the stuff I do on my computer- there are loads more images but they're not all in the right format. It's all just for fun so none of it is at a proffessional standard, in my opinion. The one on the top took me about an hour and a half and all the patterns were just the product of listening to music (wild and eratic or smooth and calm patterns reflect themood of the music). The one below was just worked on top of an internet stock photo, as opposed to own stock like the top one. Both pictures were drawn with a bamboo graphics tablet thingy. :)

People who live on the edge often fall off

2009-06-12T05:46:00.000-07:00

This was written in registration this morning... we weren't in registration, we were sent to the lolfa. Some of it was written when I escaped to the play park down the road from school.

What am I even doing here right now? I feel like I've just entered a parallel universe and the storm that was meant to be raging in my head has been left behind, where I came from. I'm sure I should be feeling angry and sad but I still think it never happened.
What the hell? Is this even possible? I was talking to him yesterday. It just seems less and less real every second. A name is popped in here and there and then more words to confirm but it's not even remotely possible. Here I am, listening to every conversation and waiting for a tongue to slip; It's all a sick joke, at my expense.
I haven't done my homework- nothing really important that I can't give in on monday instead. I was, last night, preying that everything will be ok and that that Miss R wouldn't remember to ask me for my 'cyf' work. No one's mentioned school work.

Here I am, in the Crymych play park spinning on the round about and lying on my back; watching the world revolve around me where I'm aloe and al my friends are far away. it's all upside down. It's stopped being real. If I let go of this slow moving machine I'll fall, right into the sky.
What am I supposed to be doing right now? It can't be true. We can't be talking about the same person. I really want my Dad.

A song that brings back memories

2009-05-20T06:55:00.000-07:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ghL-zyzXFKc

It's such a great song that we used to have on CD and back when I was little and we had that fancy sound system in the big kitchen, high up so i couldn't reach it and I used to secretly stand on the table to put my favorite song on. Guess which that was. OK, so it's obvious since I put it in a link. It's really nostalgic and a great song!

Lawr ar y gwaelod. Lawr yn y gwaelod gwag....

OK before you get the wrong idea

2009-05-10T09:31:00.000-07:00

I have a feeling there's going to be a picture on someone else's blog soon so i'm gonna get my story in before they can.

I was sitting and then I decided to LEAN BACK... it's not because I was sitting it was because I LEANT BACK ok? For more information- the picture is of me underneeth a tipped over table laughing so hard that they heard me from inside the house even with my music on full volume. I laughed so hard I thought my ears would pop!

Curo (Song)

2009-04-16T14:37:00.000-07:00

Mae pob curiad d'anadl
Every beat of your breath
Yn curo'n fy mhen
Beats in my head
A Phob curiad dy galon
And every beat of your heart
Yn cam tua'r nen.
Is a step towards heaven.

Ond wyt ti'n teumlo'r poen?
But do you feel the pain?
Wyt ti'n teumlo'r oer?
Do you feel the cold?
Dim on fi sydd
Only I

Yn marw pob euliad
Die every second
I byw am dydd;
To live a day;
Yn teumlo pob dolyr,
Feeling every hurt,
Pob dolyr sydd.
Every hurt there is.

Ond wyt ti'n teumlo'r poen?
But do you feel the pain?
Wyt ti'n teumlo'r oer?
Do you feel the cold?

Dwy'n gwulio angel yn gorwedd;
I watch an angel rest;
Seren heb stwr;
A star at peace;
Lewch olau lleuad
Moon lights' reflection
Yn ddawnsio mewn dwr.
Dancing in water.

Ti yw prydferthwch ei hun.
You are beauty its self.
Ti yw'r unig un.
You're the only one.
Dim ond ti sydd
Only you

Yn byw pob euliad
Live every second
Ar fy ngyfer i.
On my behalf.
Yn byw pob euliad
Live every second
Ar fy ngyfer i!
On my behalf!

Ond dwyt ti'm teumlo'r poen!
But you don't feel the pain!
Ond dwyt ti'm teumlo'r oer!
But you don't feel the cold!
A dwy'n balch.
And I'm glad.

I think I can make a proper english version, but it's the wlesh one that I've been working on since last summer. :)

This is the english version I promised just a while ago. :)

Every breath you take
Goes round in my mind.
Every beat of your heart
Leads to heaven, you’ll find.

But do you feel the pain?
Dance in winters’ rain?
Only I

Die every second
To live but a day
Feel every hurt
But never wish it away.

Because you don’t feel the pain!
Dance in winters’ rain.

I watch the daughter of heavens
Laying at rest
She’s a miracle,
My own treasure chest.

You are beauty its self!
There is no one else!
Only you

Live every second
For my behalf.
Live every second
For my behalf!

But you don’t feel the pain!
That dance in winters’ rain!
For that, I’m glad.

This took me ten minutes.

Hey dad, beth wyt ti'n meddwl? Gwell trwy gyfrwng y cymraeg neu'r saisneg. Cofia nid Meic Stevens wdw i felly paid disgwyl gwyrth a roedd y pennill amd yr angel yn gorwedd yn weddol anodd i cyfiaithi mewn ffordd da. :(

Story

2009-04-12T13:28:00.000-07:00

Mum, please check out my other blog

http://bigmacstories.blogspot.com/

I need your opinion on my first chapter. :)

Anyone else can comment on it too but you have to be nice- I only trust my mum when it comes to criticism. :) Just your usual closed minded person. :) Actually, you can be honest if you like but I will probably pretend to ignore you. :)

Majorly gutted

2009-03-17T12:22:00.000-07:00

OkOK... there are just too many of these but this... this one is really gutting. I've never set a record on my computer for expert... since I'm not such a major wizzkid but... *sniff-sniff*... This... I'm just so damn gutted!

Dearest

2009-03-13T14:29:00.000-07:00

Iago : Dearest

Oh hatred of mine, should I decline
The aimlessness that feels so fine?
And, make my creed a lack of need
To nurture happiness that I must feed?
Should I dictate on who I hate
Or allow myself to create?
Should I aspire to feed the fire
Only when it fuels my desire?
Should I accept that, in respect,
There are other means to protect?
Though, I'm not able to turn the tables
While where I stand is still unstable.

...
OK... that's mildly annoying.

Last night

2009-02-28T23:54:00.000-08:00

Don't we usually call it "last night" after we've woken up? Well... I never went to sleep. I stayed up till past 1 AM with everyone, watching death note. WE absolutely MUST watch the last name, next Saturday. Then, when everyone else went to bed I kinda went to bed too... it didn't work. SLEEP, Beth, just SLEEP! For the sake of all humanity, mainly just those who have to face you this morning, just take a damned nap!

So, I wondered around... I said I don't do the dishes, to Branwen, but I've loaded the dishwasher... ish. I swept the floor. I paired some socks... I'm no good at that. I had two cups of tea, peppermint tea before you say "well that did you no good, with such a caffeine intake!", and did some rhyf. grrrrr! I had to copy and paste all of the 380-odd lines from word processor to excel. It was NOT fun. My fingers hurt. :'(...

It is now eight o clock, this moment since it might be past eight when I click the "publish post" button and at seven o' clock I discovered just how much I hate that damn alarm clock... and mum and dad for leaving it switched on. None of us know how to disarm it! I just worked it out- you press the top left button, not the bottom right! That way, you don't get it ringing every five minutes.

Is someone gonna wake up or what? I'm all alone down here!... apart from the gazillion cats. How pleasant. I love 'em all.... apart from the one whose name is "Damn". Actually, he's pretty well behaved at night times but when it comes to breakfast time (5:40 for me this morning) It's an entirely different matter. I don't think he did catch on that I was indeed pacing the room to avoid him, walking with breakfast in hand. Although I went back and fourth, treading the same line, he followed me every time nonetheless. This tea, proper tea with caffeine now, is really strong. It's much needed since I've got heaps of ironing to do.

Dad just phoned and Gwion just woke up, so that's give everyone an idea of the time scale. We 'll get the demo crew out of here by then and I'm sure the architects will give a good quote on the repairs here so there's absolutely NOTHING to worry about.

Love y'all
that raving loony who keeps staring at you as if she knows you.
XXXXX

Go away and get a life

2009-02-23T01:56:00.000-08:00

Because, I have one!

It's really quite hectic. Mum and Dad are trying their best to sell the house... I don't think it's gunna happen, frankly. It's just more stress. My laptop isn't working and the softwear disk hasn't arrived. The schools' e-mail system is down so the homework that I sent and the homwork I hope my dad will send is not gonna arrive... well that's a pain in the bottom for-
maths
biology
and Physics.
Penblwydd hapus Gwion!
I'm worried whether we'll ge around to spaying Lileth, Teel and Cidilia in time. Argh! i forgot my chem book.

Tonight... I think it's gonna be a busy night, tracking down all of that... argh. It sucks!
Gotta talk to someone in school about work experience. Since, if I have work experience in school and voluntary work at Mencap then I'm sorted....... if I don't have both those things, I'm not so sorted... buggary.
:(

I'm starting to wake up late at night, again. This morning, I woke up at about twenty to three and I thought it was quarter past six so I thought I might as well get into my school uniform and stuff but... the clock in the dining room is correct. So, I went back to bed and all I could think about was how I'd do it... where I'd find what was necessary. what I'd write on the blog. Why it was more practical.
yeah, survival of the fittest and I fell behind.

Argh, life sucks but what I wanted to do sucked even more.
OK, so people can't understand how it feels, right?

So, you're in your mind trying your best to think that it's selfish and how everyone else would be sad. (Just imagine it, because I want to make you closer to understanding)
You see all the people who would be absolutely heartbroken. It's like looking at something through a bottle- it's distorted and undreal. It's something you see as vertual. The only things you can see clearly are things in the far future. Nobody thinks that often of you. They live their lives well. All the people you upset day in day out have resolve and yeah, thinking about it is sad and it will effect a lot of things but, at the end of the day, if you can't stop feeling like this then you obviously weren't born to change the world in a significant way.

Right... if you didn't read it and try your best to put yourself in that place then I don't think you'll understand how it feels... meh... not like it's actually important....

Thanks toots.

Bethan
X~X~X

New song, undoubtably emo!

2009-02-23T01:43:00.000-08:00

The Queen of Hearts

Steel is as cold as steel.
Catch me at my'chilles heel.
I wanna show you how it feels.
Steel is as cold as steel.

Steel is as cold as steel.
Blades are as sharp as blades.
Catch me at my'achilles heel:
Torture 'til the tormoent fades.

One is one; two is two;
Nine is nine; ten is ten;
For all the time I been haten' you,
Never touch me again.

Three is three; four is four;
Seven seven; Eight is eight.
Drive me mad just once more.
Set a trap; I'll take the bait.

Give me something to ignor.

Give you somethin' to shout about.

Scream 'til my ears are sore.
I'll walk away if you're too loud.

Steel is as cold as steel.
Hit me at my'chilles heel.
I wanna sho you how it feels.
Steel is as cold as steel.

Head towards your demons
with no regrets
Get your frinds, without them
there's no ful set.
Don't worry'bout the things
You can't forget.
Y'crossed the line, from rougher times,
So re-coll-ect.
Don't sing about your steel.
Don't sing about your blades.
Hide your'chilles heel
'till the turmoil fades
Cuz you are the queen of hearts
Who smited the ace of spades.
Play your part
'N' don't run again!

2009-02-03T03:04:00.000-08:00

Yes, my cat stands outside the coor, just begging to be let in and what do I do? I take a picture! Yay! Nah, I checked on her and she's ok. :) She's nice and snug with all the other cats, in the garage.

Yeah, I thought our car was a kinda midnight blue colour, too!

CAUTION: Snow balls may cause death.

Not long before death by snowball.

As you can see, we've been having a lot of fun in the snow... I actually wanted to go to school, but heh!

Happy New Year

2008-12-31T16:47:00.000-08:00

Happy new year! Happy New Year! Happy New year... thingy... Le-et old aquaintances be forgotten... me-eh-eh meh meh me-eh!! me.... I give up.

As present passes into past
And all those things that didn't last
Are very soon forgotten.

The front door is opened to let the new year in and the back door is opened to let the old year out... that gets unnecessarily confusing with our house since the back was originally the front and vice versa. In any case, the old year was let out and the new year was let in, and a proud winter wind wiped out the old and now we're left with only the new air... it's very cold if you ask me.

I have very few new years resolutions in comparrison with those i'd thought of, and broken, last year.

1. To work hard for myself
2. and harder for others.

That's it!

Over the las year, hopes have been raised and then completely let down but also expected disappointments have turned out to be fantastic opportunities.

Ma fe'n dweud

2008-12-23T08:07:00.000-08:00

"Mae'r ffordd yr rwyt ti'n cani yn rhy gwael i dy lais" mae fe'n dweud.
"Byddi di'n gwneud nuwed i dy bocs lais" mae fe'n dweud.
"Cana mwy fel hwn" Mae fe'n dweud.

Beth? Mae'r ffordd rwyf wedi bod yn cani ers o'n i'n unarddeg yn mynd i colli'n llais i'n "reli gloi" a dwy mynd i stopio medri cani? Dyna'r math o peth roedd e'n caesio'i cyfathrebi i mi. Felly, dwy 'di bod yn cani fel hyn am blynydde a rwyt ti'n meddwl fy mod i'n gwneud nuwed i'n bocs lais?

Ar ol yr holl peth "rwyt ti'n wrong", mae fe'n dweud wrtha'i ddysgu can. Mae fe'n dweud bod can meddal yn lawer fwy cynaliadwy. Mewn Tri nos o caesio cwrdd a'r nodau top a cadw'r llais i lawr collais fy llais. Tair nos wedyn a "vocal chords" rehab yw e i mi. Dau Rhosyn Coch a Dau Lygaud Di? Ar y list. Hallelujah? Ddim ar y list. Le Zeppelin? Ar y list. Cascada? Dim ar y list.

Diolch yn fawr Mr "I am a musial genius". Mae fe'n chwarae pob offeryn sydd wedi ei creu ond dydy e ddim yn cani a dydy e ddim yn gwbod dim amdano, drian ar y boi bach. Gobaithio bydd ddim rhaid i mi ymuno a'i band. Mae 'da fi esgus, unrhyw ffordd. Mae e'n person am metal ac er i mi fod yn hoff o'r holl Punk hybrid thing, dwy'n weddol hapus gyda Blues a y foment.

Diolch.

GC
XX

Mae Draeg yn ddugon da

2008-12-17T12:19:00.000-08:00

Ar ol bod mor agos a hyn i chwythu lan hanner crymych, mae'r draeg yn weddol blest a'i waith. Mewn hanner cwsg, estynais am y tap nwy anghywir ac cynnodd y nwy o'r bunsen yr oeddwn fod troi bant a dyna ddrull o fflamau yn lapio fy mraich 'da gwres. Troes y tap bant mewn amswer i achub y fflamau rhag gwasgaru trwy'r pubau i gyd a ffrwydro'r tanc enfawr o propain gyda dugon o nwy i wneud mwy na twll yn y ddaear.

O flaen popeth arall, dyna'r unig peth nodiadol a ddugwyddodd heddiw. Ma' fe ychydig bach yn eironig o herwydd dim ond neithiwr gofynnais fy hunain "a wdw i moen gweithio mewn swydd i ymwneud a secioleg neu cemeg, o herwydd fy ngryfder yng nghemeg?". Nawr dwy'n gwybod yr ateb. Ni ddylsen i fod yn agos i unrhyw lab cemeg o gwbwl heb cael fy nwylo wedi ei chlymu tu ol i'n cefn i, byth!

Heddiw oedd clyweliad y sioe dalent a cannon ni, fi a Branwen, Brawd Hwdini. Dwy'n meddwl aeth e'n eithaf da. Rhaid ymarfer ychydig mwy a cofio anadli cyn dechrae cani. Teimlais fy hunain yn droi'n coch iawn ar un pryd ond roedd e'n iawn. Roedd actiau da iawn;
Blythe yn cani a chwarae'r Pinano
Tri bachgen yn darllen cerdd Spike Milligan
Tair ferch yn dawnsio... mas o sync a popeth...

:)

News is

2008-12-08T01:31:00.000-08:00

The cancel of small nations for this year. I don't know if it is true but it is believed so.

On another note, after watching journey to the centre of the earth George of the Jungle looks a hell of a lot more buff. It was funny and sickeningly exciting. I loved it! Yay!

Strangely enough

2008-12-07T00:59:00.000-08:00

I wrote a poem in my sleep. Yes, I was dreaming that I had to say some poetry in school or something and I'd come ill prepared so I just made it up as i went along. I think this was to do with my anxieties about the shoe, but here's the poem in any case.

She...
She sits alone,
With a million people to call her own.
She sits alone.

She...
She never cries,
With a million tears behind her eyes.
She never cried.

They...
They're her friends;
A daily torture that never ends.
They're her friends.

She sits alone.
She never cries.
On her own
She withers and dies.
They're her friends
But in the end
She sits alone.

I don't know why I said that, but I'm rather impressed than, in my dream, I could stand up and make it all up. :)

Bored at home

2008-11-04T11:06:00.000-08:00

I'm not annoyed at the moment. That makes it hard to post. What can I say? I'd like to correct dad. Mum's driving isn't the worst. Of course, mum makes you worry whether the car is going to keep contact with the road for as long as the journey lasts. When dad drives, you know. The car wasn't touching the ground as soon as we started moving.

When mum drives, you feel every corner, every bump, every tiny pebble amplified. When dad drives, you feel not a thing. Dad cuts a straight line home... through the skies!

Of course, the three quarter of an hour journey to the school takes half an hour and he always makes sure he starts quarter of an hour early so why does he wonder why we're half an hour early?

Sometimes I wonder how he's ever late... The cows on the road should not stop him unless they're eight foot high. Maybe he has pigeon problems. I wondered why there were grey feathers caught under the wind screen wipers one day.

In any case. The only recent thing i can rant about is my ex and his pathetic lies. Of course, he can't apologise for the things he's said but I must apologise for my "over-reaction". Boys. I don't think it's fair to say I was in the wrong. Not only did he tell me to "Piss off" when I confronted him about the rather inappropriate questions people were asking about me and... but he had the nerve to walk away and call me a slut behind my back. Stupid little bastard. He doesn't know I'd kill him if he hung around for long enough. He's always mouthing off but has nothing to back it up with, and nothing he can use to protect himself.

2008-10-26T18:16:00.000-07:00

One last thing, another start with no designated direction (and the keyboard's getting a bit blurry... maybe very blurry but it doesn't matter)...

Why is it I'm still the same? I'm combing through many old things tonight, mainly because I feel stupid doing that when I've got full wits but I haven't right now because I'm too busy emptying my mind before I go to sleep. I could swear one of my pupils is dilated and the other's constricted... I'm not sure...

My point is, why do I not change? Everyone around me is changing. When they send a pic they need to tell me that there's been so and so many months/years/decades/centuries/millenia (or whatever) since it was taken and when I send a pic I can just say "well that's what I look like and I look different every day but sometimes I look the same but that doesn't mean that they were consecutive days... I'm continuing on bad lines now but this line I want to explore in my mind and perhaps justify, as I think I've managed to on the others but I can't tell whether I'm thinking straight or just blindly typing.

I'm waffling a lot about how knacked I am but I guess now's a good time to get to the point. There's a lot of change going on ad, at this point, I feel like everyone's starting to look very two faced. I need to accept, it's change. I'll call myself a hippy goth forever. Ali looked at Ben's chains on his trousers and went "ewwwww" while she'd been boasting her gothiness not long ago... maybe it was long ago and I haven't noticed that yet. She also straightens her hair and wears pink eyeshadow... maybe she really has changed. So she was just a convenience (fashion) goth anywayy... I'm not a fashion hippy... It's not even i fashion.... nor am i a fashion goth... I like the fact that I can go to a wedding dressed like I'm going to a funeral but I think I was always doing that. I think my shape and size has changed but I'm essentially still me and it's hard to look at the characters I wrote about, basing them upon friends, and think that these are still the people I knew...

I think I'm more inclined to think my friends are the fakes and the characters I created are the real ones. It's funny that I can do it and still admit to it. I think I know Jos has changed. Jo-Jo, Jos or Jam has been the topic of other posts so if you've back read you'll know what I mean... She's still pretty, but she... I've only heard the worst... But, that doesn't matter. I won't ever get to confirm that because she doesn't seem too eager to prove the rumors wrong, she's not eager to let me meet up with her. Doesn't matter.

Who else has changed? CAD. CAD seems to like me. I think it's just because it's convenient. I'm one of her only friends in the form class, but that's OK. She won't be able to stand my quietness and shyness and passiveness for much longer. I'm sure I'll wear her down with the whole "being me" relentlessly thing. She's lovely; confident, boisterous, all those things I like to pretend I am in writing or in front of my friends most of the time.

Josh has changed. I'm glad. He seems more happy to hang around with his friends, not just mine as if I'm the only person he has... despite having dumped him. ... I hate saying that. I shouldn't, but I've already written it and if I erase it it would probably be like lying. Welll... anywayy... We've already spoken about lies! XD

George has changed... no I don't think she has, or more I never noticed her much before. She was quiet as she is now. I like hanging out with George. She's fun!

J... 'nuff said and it's only the first letter. Joni Chips has changed- from bad to worse. Heh... he's funny, despite the whole harassment thing. I must admit there are less girls than boys in the red carpet area (where the gang tend to hang out)...

So why am I the same? I still wear army stuff. I like to wear baggy stuff as well. I like to wear low cut tops. I'm still blond and worrying about what marks I get. I'm still branded a weirdo... maybe I have changed. Damnit I just destroyed my own line of thought. Maybe I have changed. I don't know it. Maybe everyone else is the same. Maybe they're all just looking different in my squiffed comparisons. I don't know. I doubt myself. This is not useful when trying to make a point.

Note to self: Do not doubt yourself and you will always win. By the way, have I changed over the past couple of years (apart from the whole breast size thing)?

Note from self: No. I can't say I've noticed.

Note to self: I'm babbling a lot now, aren't I? Remember! You need to stop writing this kind of blog post!

Note from self: I'm not writing anything! It's you!

That over and done with. I've thought a bit deeper, as you can see I consulted... myself...., and come up with no answer. Many trains of thought collide with walls like this. I think I'll reverse and do a run at it to see if I can do more damage to my obstacle than my argument 9presumably the front of my metaphorical train)...

Branwen has changed. Branwen used to be quiet. She was my rock. I think I'm just a grain of sand and she's a rather sadistic torrent of water. She's wonderful, though.

Drawing from how I must have changed to gain this kind of perspective on people around me (presuming they've stayed the same) I've grown into more of a goth (to compare with Ali) and less of a girly girl, I've become more quiet and shy (to compare with Joni Chips and George and Jos) and turned into a nasty person (to compare with CAD) and a less nasty person (to compare with Branwen)... I think that just went and combusted on its own, without my help. So, it must be everyone else who changed... and maybe a bit of me. So perhaps, on pondering pointlessly, I could say that everyone has changed over the past six years.

Even though it doesn't really need thinking of in daily life, I've saved the reader (poor sod) from having to ponder this one out on their own. someone has to think of the pointless things so that others can think of the important things. I mean without someone working out that 3x3=9, 4x4=16, 5x5=25 and 9+16=25 then no one could have worked out that a right angled triangle with opposite and adjacent as 3 and 4 would not need working out and was obvious, by default, 5. The same goes for shapes with 6, 8 and 10; 9, 12 and 15; 12, 16 and 20...

anywayyy... just so you don't have to waste second thinking you can waste minutes reading this. Good night. I think I might give up after this one!

Ironic, huh?

2008-10-26T15:12:00.000-07:00

Does it count? Does it matter? Is it ever going to be good enough? Can you see the work? Do you understand the work? Will it ever mean a thing? Will it ever help me? Will it help them? Is it enough? Is it good at all? Is it actually what they want? Is it what they expected of me? Is it?

I don't know what I'm talking about myself. I guess I'm having a strange moment. Any teenagers out there? Anyone understand? Anyone care? Anyone read the first word at least? No one. I bet. No one.

Well... Time is deceptive at the moment and it feels late. I'm tired. It's quiet, bar the wind scooping air fro above the chimney and a clock or two ticking away tirelessly and the scratching of tree branches against each other and that relentless welsh breath, welsh indeed, combing over green fields that I can't see. I can't see, there's only black beyond that flattened image of myself in the window. No one's around. It's quiet. It's calm. Everywhere is clean. This isn't like the busy place that it's usually. Is this what I feel s my home, with a three legged cat, Daman (or "Damn that stupid three legged demon!") slumbering on a coffee coloured- maybe coffee stained- cushion next to me.

Maybe I'm up so late because of those stupid failure anxieties I have. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. I'm not going to get stars for my A levels. I know it. Because, they know it. It's not nice but it's like being tied to the front of a train and you can't untie your self. What's about to play is about to play, there's no use yelling at the footballers in the match "Left! Left! Tackle! Tackle for Christ's sake" or gasp and scream out "Watch out! He's behind you" or maybe "Don't open the door" at the girl who's about to turn the handle into the secret room in the haunted mansion. It's something that's already been set maliciously out for you, to make you scream and to make your heart beat faster. It's no good. Someone really hates us.

What am I good at? I can't sew. I can't dance. I'd end up killing myself if I tried any sports. I can't defend myself if someone tries to hurt me or harass me (as they always do which is very frightening and frustrating but I don't know any fancy words for it... don't knock me for not being able to say how I feel if no one wrote an adequate dictionary that I could be bothered to read). I can't act. I have no imagination. I can't mix chemicals well enough to get good marks. All my readings are marked as "anomalies" when everyone's are collected together, in biology. I don't understand physics as well as some people. Despite chemistry, biology and physics being the only things I can do.

Don't fucking tell me that I can't be bothered to be good and I never hunt for opportunities. Don't fucking insist you're so fucking clever. Oh, I think I'm getting tired... maybe it's the psychic connection taken to READ YOUR MIND... I think I'm getting very tired.

Maybe I'm upset, too. I hate that. I hate it.

Am I good at anything? Anything in the world? I can make a child cry without feeling any remorse. That's a talent. hah.

Of course, I'm the only person in the world who can excel at being me. I'm the only person who can fill my boots and not get cramp in my feet at the same time as managing to lug them about a bit. Bugger that. Excelling at being me sucks. I'm a stupid, useless, unimaginative tart who thinks too highly of herself and takes herself for being good at giving other people advice when she'd still just trying to deal with herself.

I'm no good. I'll never be good enough for them. I try my best. I have to bend what I want to do to make them happy. Being a writer or and artist or anything like that isn't a proper job. Being a scientist is. Being a therapist is very bad. It's terrible. I don't care. If you need qualifications to do it then it must be something much better than what ever else I could be doing. SOCIAL WORK!!!! Hah... I hate that.

Never act as if it's simple. It isn't, is it? Why m I so unhappy, afterall I have everything, don't I? I have my parents, at least... Sometimes.

Enough of that. It hurts to see mum and dad desperately still clinging on to the dream of selling the house. It's not going to happen. It's not. We're not about to have a lucky break either. Not that it matters much to the sibs what happens.

On mentioning sibs. Everyone assumes I'm so detached from my family but they've all fucked off and stopped watching.

I was about to write something up but I think it's against the law or something (three of them being fosters and all)...

Why do I want to cry? I think it's the momentum from all that build up. I think I'm just crying because I've yet to run out of sadness but I've already ran out of things I know I want to write about. (Apart from the fact I'm a big fat loser)...

Crap. I'm taking myself too seriously. Let it go.

I don't feel like sleeping yet. I know I'm going to go to bed and start thinking about how I hate myself. I hate that even more. (Is hate a strong word? Fine then... replace, in your mind, all the "hate"s with "am frustrated by" and see how that works for you. I'm not going to change it because it would be a lie and liar is not me. I'm not lying... that's something else I wanted to say)...

I don't mean to justify or glorify it but the common lie is abused by today. I only hear people saying stupid little lies that are for themselves and are only degrading them and making it harder for me to respect them. I won't name people but I hate the use of stupid things like "yeah I soo tackled her it was great..." when I could even cross reference it with CCTV and they would continue relentlessly. It disgusts me when a lie could be used to flatter someone who's at their worst and needs it, or could be used in a joke, but instead it's squandered on some zilwitted comments that are meant to make you look hard and someone else look stupid...

I'm glorifying and justifying lying now, aren't I? It's true, however, that I don't mean to but I'll try to undo that, maybe, by continuing. A lie. It's supposed to be used carefully because lying is a bad thing to do yet we're doing it day in and day out. All of the time. Alright, I did nick some sweets but will you all shut up and stop getting carried away! (My fam start making stuff up just to get on my nerves. They don't know that suspecting me of lying when I'm trying my hardest to tell the utmost fucking truth might just, just might, hurt my feelings a little bit and maybe the fact that no one takes my side and that everyone sniggers and that I get punished for something I didn't do but that's life, right. A big Fucking joke that I have to get used to by the time I'm nineteen and kicked out. I just have to fucking get used to the wasteful wannabe wordcrafters who shame and degrade the meaning of a lie. Fuck... I just swore again... I'll try and restrain it. I'm sorry. Please don't flag this.. I'm just incredibly upset at the moment... and it all started so well)....

I doubt someone will pass my first few casing or cursing to find my effort or maybe to read enough to understand a little of what I'm saying but that's as can be expected. I really can't be bothered to flatter myself with another few pragraphs of writing what I think. I think the vanity's gone far enough on its' own.

What you cryin for?

2008-10-26T12:08:00.000-07:00

It's just heart break!

Fun Fun Fun

2008-10-26T11:28:00.000-07:00

Yay! I never knew going out with my half sister would be so fun. I thought watching the football (or soccer to anyone from anywhere apart from UK) would be pretty boring. I found out that I can actually drink coca cola without getting a tummy ache, maybe that's because I started off with a tummy ache and they canceled each other out. Another piece of great logic by Bethan Hughes herself.

Me, myself, I find it hard to speak to strangers or to know what to do when we're going to a pub. Me and my sister of mine are great. I was promised that in a year and a few months I'll be out clubbing with Fearne but I'm not sure of that...

Why do I have to act so grown up all the time. Apart from my half sibs (who're grown up and flown the nest... well they're grown up in any case despite having one living next door (half brother)) I'm the oldest. I'm supposed to look after them? five little brothers and a little sister? I wouldn't trust me with a kitten let alone six kids! Why can't I have fun by pretending I still can? I'm doing my work.

Yep! I AM doing my work. Not that it means a thing to my parents. They say "we do trust you" every time they bring up the whole I didn't get any A stars thing. (They don't actually bring it up like that; It's more on the lines of the fact that my course work came in a few months past the deadline. Bless my poor Geography teacher. He never asked why I didn't take the A-level course.) The thing is; I'm gutted I did get A*s in the GCSEs, but hey! What can I do? I'm going to revise hard this time.

Somewhere, deep inside, I think he's blaming me for his... dispersed grades. Constantly worrying that I didn't love him? I did love him, very much, as a treasured friend which was cruel to the both of us since I had to try to explain to him during the exam times and still manage to look at his tearful face with one of my friends over in the yard and a load of his friends going by and saying... shouting obscenities. I gave up after a bit. Anywayyy... That's not the point.

He spoke to the guy I liked for me. (He's trying to help me out.) He spoke to Tom before I knew he knew. But, the thing is, from past experience I know not to make boy friends of friends so why would I persure someone who's a great friend? Why would I persue someone who's my Ex's good friend? Even DP (Plonker Palmer, Cpt 0 but also one of my treasured little brothers) said that he would find that like rubbing salt into a wound.

Why am I talking abou these petty things? It doesn't matter.

What matters is that it's heart breaking to hear that kitten calling out for his brother, and it's even worse to hear my little brother (lil G this time) crying over it. I tried telling him it was OK but it never worked for me when other kittens did the same thing. I'm a useless big sister. I'm sure I should know something comforting to say, but those words never come to my mind despite experience.

Words.

Why do I feel suddenly upset? Hah. Maybe writing the previous one word paragraph was not such a great move afterall because the only amotive effect would be that put on me. It's very sad. Sad? Hah! Such a word. Sorrow never covers a thing unless it's coupled with something else. Sweet sorrow? I think they just say that for the alliteration but if anything could describe this it would be salty, kinda enzyme-y too. Why am I talking about this again. I might be just talking to pass some time. To waste some words.

Words.

Oops. Done it again. This is getting exhausting. Words are the only thing I can use, aren't they? That's why I was so desperate to take a language subject. I would ave been happy doing welsh, very happy, if it wasn't for the rep. They would have let someone in for having a B but knowing that most of my grade B course work was on second and "advised attempt" and the A I got was that kind of momentum built up by the stress before exam conditon writing. I was on a roll and I think I'll write that story again, properly. Am I just talking aimlessly again?

It's true, isn't it? I can't carry out titrations. I'm socially inadequate- being able to talk to an examiner was hard let alone explain why the wait of my magnesium had come half way between iron and copper. It's written word I excell at... or maybe not. I don't think I even gain a mark on that but what is it that makes me think I can do no better.

I've forgotten what I started off on. I'm staring at the title and thinking "fun fun fun"? Then I look down at what I've written, not the beginning but what's open in this box, the last 14 lines... and 15 now... I wish I would just stop wasting words.

Words.

oooo... CURSES!

2008-10-25T13:36:00.000-07:00

I hate school. I don't mind lessons. I hate break. I hate lunch. I hate the bus journey.

It's hard for me to socialise. People think I'm, very confident and cocky because of how I act with my friends- I practically dominate everyone! So, when I can't answer questions or things like that when it comes to other people I feel like I'm being very rude. I'm just not very good at it. When it comes to people I know I feel comfortable and show confidence. However...

How can I feel like I'm shutting myself away from everyone and being the least sociable person there is and still feel like a tart all the time?

OK... There's nothing really notable to note. I still have my annoying brothers doing as annoying brothers do (breaking the sky box, hitting each other like stropping toddlers and screeching at each other.

It just occurs to me today that, being 36 F, doesn't grant me the privilage of obscurity.

Quiet

2008-10-12T12:12:00.000-07:00

The quiet.

Comes Halloween,
The heavy Eve
When autumn does begin

When night comences
All defences
And the veil does thin

Whom Death did part,
W'it's solemn art,
Will start to draw in.

When the day waines,
Red of sky veins,
Clouds create not the dark.

Thunder sounds,
Rolls the ground,
In the sky does spark

A crack of light
For lo, our fright
Is where credence does avail

Though our fear
Draws ever near
Our dreams also set sail!

Hmmm... I don't think it's working, but my mind if a bit blank right now, see if you can guess where exactly it fell of a cliff and shattered into a thousand pieces ...

;D

Today

2008-10-08T11:12:00.000-07:00

Today I'm grateful.

My Dad saved my life many a time and I know how difficult it is. When it came to practicing in the BLS course I was trembling. Today I'm grateful many times over.
Today, Dad is the one who saved my life when I was little, Mum and Fearne too.

Tomorrow they'll be:
The woman waking me up waayyyyy too early in the morning.
The one who drives the van to the bus stop - no escapees.
The Nurse who might ask for the free babysitting service or maybe to borrow a tenner.

I'm still grateful.
Merci maman, papa et Fearnie!

Post 21 (Dear SEB)

2008-09-28T07:31:00.000-07:00

Dear Seb
Everyone thinks I'm doomed to failure in everything I do. Even Jame has compared me to him once in a while.
Why is being compared to my brother such a bad thing, you ask? Jamie lives in a cottage with faulty plumming, no central heating and serious damp problems, dependant upon what little money he gets topped off by us who have to smuggle food in for him every now and then (with mum's regards) so Dad doesn't know.
He's the family's failure and I'm always compared to him, out of everyone it's me. They tell me how I spend so much time on the computer and then, oh so not very subtly, mention how Jamie spent all his time on the computer. Our GCSE results were so flipping similar, it's like we were cheating by reading each others' exam papers, however he took his a good ten years ago.Jame' told me he was following his dad's path and then asked me what made me want to do what I wanted to do. Damnit, a chidren's psychologist who specialises in autism... that's not far off, is it. Then there's that faze where I lay awake at night plotting my route to the kitchen to get a sharp, long knife and kill myself, to put it bluntly. He said he also thought about killing imself.
Why me? Not anyone else?
I'm not going to fail. I won't stop wanting to be a singer, which doesn't follow either of my parents. Neither of my parents is an author or an artist! Damnit! I'm not going to fail.
Well... It's been a good vent. No tears, no throwing things, no swear words... well... no serious ones.
Out of everyone, I think I keep it all down the most. You have no idea how it frustrates me that I know I'm not going to fail while everyone else thinks that I will! They don't know what goes on in my head. This is the surface of something that's killing me, this hatred rots and it stinks... It stinks on EVERYONE ELSE who doubts me. There are things locked up up here that I'm not supposed to remember; things I wouldn't want to know or more I wouldn't want to have ever taken place but I can't tell these things to any body because it hurts that it ever happened and telling would just be admitting it. I said I wouldn't cry. I lied.
Tara SEB.
Remember to peak at my blog!... well... this will probably be up there. I haven't posted for a couple of days.I'll see you.Beth.

How to say it?:

2008-09-26T09:50:00.000-07:00

I've dropped maths, taken up art and physics. I don't regret a thing. Welll... How do I tell mum? She's going to go insane... ooooo... I'm scared thinking of it now! Help! Welll... just to say, Branwen gets my stuff my clothes go to CHARITY if they ain't got holes in them! (otherwise I haunt you for all eternity)... unless you gave the clothes to a friend... that's OK... Burn my diary- don't read it... not that it's legible (I really, really couldn't spell back then)... Tell my hex friends what's happened. My altar's in the amo box, by the way, so you can have that Branwen... Welll... You can make the rest of my will up as we go along.

Just to conferm this is me talking:
Daman tried to "sit on my face and tell me that he loves me!" while I was asleep. The story goes that I, unwittingly, took him into my bed last night and gave him lots of fuss until he fell asleep but once I fell asleep I was just being boring and I wasn't paying him enough attention so I had to fuss him for and extra TWO HOURS STRAIGHT><... If that's not a reason to hate him, what is? The morning after goes something as follows, and I really don't know the full story but it goes as far as I knoes like this: Taliesin gets jumper confiscated. Tali has no jumper Tali has college today Tali needs to look cool at college (image is EVERYTHING. hah! He's such a girl!) Tali can't possibly go without his cool clothes It must be someone elses' fault that he has none of the clothes he wants to wear. Who works day in day out, laboring over various washing utensils to make sure all i right in the house, but mum? Tali must have a strop with mum because it's her fault Tali's already decided he doesn't want to go to school so he runs away. If it's not simple, then tell me this. If it was a cry for help, wouldn't Tali have driven off in the landrover in the same direction as us- to amplify drama as he'd be found rather quickly? So, why did he go in the opposite direction, so as not to be found since he knew that busy dad wouldn't have time to chase after him up the mountain in the wrong direction? Branwen assured me that there must be a deep emotional reason for him to have done something so stupid and pointless, so how could I consider myself a psychologist if I can't even understand that? Damnit, Branwen! Don't be so naiive. Taliesin is quite alike to me. When bad things happen that you can't deal with, RUN AWAY! HIDE! I also must include, that most times I do something other than running away there is a real emotional reason. I'm sure there are times when Taliesin can also sit down and justify properly throwing stuff at the wall and smashing things; however he cannot justify adequately most his actions, f.i. hitting the other boys on a regular basis, and he cannot seem to understand why his justification is not adequate ("he lied" is not a reason to punch someone in the face many many times).

Welll... I think that will do for a vent...

I'm still worried about the maths. Mum will never forgive me. I think she believes that maths is my only strength. I'm sorry, I don't believe it is my strength. I would rather think I was good at something I enjoyed doing.

Hmmm...

2008-09-24T02:14:00.000-07:00

Everyone seems to be getting writers' block recently.

On hex, no one's posting RPs... or atleast, they seem to be making particularly boring and unimaginative ones.
No one talks on xmerrymeetx any more... well, that's nothing to do with writers' block, but that's ok.

Well... I've been listening to lots of new music recently, as well as a lot of old music. Led Zeppelin can still sound good to me... I thnk that "Dazed and confused" is an exceptional song.

I have aslo felt a lot of writers' block; my stories are fine but where do I start? Where do I take it?

That's alright.

I very much wanted to take art or english language but maths is obviously the only way to find a good career.

I'm sure it's alright for me to live in misery, doing something I don't even like a little (let alone love)... as long as I role a stat, eh?

*(role a stat=make sme good dough)

Why?!
I've already got a timeline for the future, haven't I? It's really aweful actually. It means that I won't be able to become a singer or become a good writer who can devote a decent amount of time to it until I'm fourty something. (I don't think I want t live that long. I just want to fulfill all my ambitions and then choke when it's convenient and I've got nothing left I feel I want to do anymore. It's not as terrible as it sounds.)

I want to be a singer BY the time I'm twenty!
I want to have published a book BY the time I'm twenty!
I want to have written at least one oneshot manga!
I want to have sold some good art by then!

I don't want to be stuck with something I don't like when I could have done something I loved! I don't want to give up being able to do something beautiful just so I can count. Yep. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 3, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36,37, 38, 39, 40, 41, 42, 43, 44, 45, 46, 47, 48, 49, 50, 51, 52, 53, 54, 55, 56, 57, 58, 59, 60, 61, 62, 63, 64, 65, 66, 67, 68, 69, 70, 71, 72, 73, 74, 75, 76, 77, 78, 79, 80, 81, 82, 83, 84, 85, 86, 87, 88, 89, 90, 92, 93, 94, 95, 96, 97, 98, 99, 100!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Damnit!
Well... Eceryone knows I sometimes get that feeling like I'm about to stab myself and it wouldn't mtter because I wouldn't feel anything... yep. It's really stupid. Do you know what stopped me this time? I'd had a biology lesson and Dr M reminded us that our hearts had been beating since we had been in our mummy's tummys for six weeks and it had never stopped. It hadn't got tired. It hadn't told "Sheish! I can't take this any more! You really need to cut down on all this saturated fat..." well, it does to sme people. How could I destroy something that had done me such a service.

Well... Just to tellanyone who's reading, especially if it's mum who ses english lang as not being a real subject at all... or art.... or music... This is called a "vent". I don't need you stropping at me after readng it. Sheish. For someone who's supposed to have been a teenagr at some point in life you sure don't act like it. I just need to let it all out, I don't need "well why I never forced you to take that subject"... (By the way, you did.)... I'd just rather say it all before I go insane.

look into it too much -> make it more than it is -> make it less than it is.

2008-06-27T06:20:00.000-07:00

A bit of philosophy here, or whatever it comes under.

As an alien from outer space, I have observed humans for the 16 years and a bit that I've been living along side them. It seems that humans are always looking for something that defines them as being humans- rather than being similar to other animals. All we've come up with, so far, is our similarities to other animals (through science).

We're always going to choose what's most flattering, such as our intelligence. However, a dolphin is intelligent. Maybe our talent of adapting to our environment, just like cats and rats and... perhaps that one doesn't count because we don't adapt TO our environment, we just adapt our environment to us. We seem to forget the fact that we are opportunists, like foxes, who are vain enough to say that we are better than that. That's a good one- vanity. I don't think there are other animals that are vain. What about our seemingly masochistic ways of life. Any animal would have learnt that certain foods make you ill- yet we're fattening up our kiddies almost voluntarily. We like to muck around with things like nuclear energy- even though there's a great big heap of nuclear waste somewhere near a shore line- that's getting eroded away by the way. When it does, it will pollute the seas and quite quickly spread over a vast proportion of the world making it dangerous to live on the cost! Now, if that's not masochistic, then go'n' get me a dictionary because I don't know what is!

Genetics! of course, you might be lucky enough to share a substantial amount of DNA with a human in another continent but the chances are you also share up to 90% with something you don't consider to be human, in the country you actually live in!

Perhaps it's our knowledge of the world around? That's a nice one. That is something that makes us human. Well acha fi, because you can wonder into a city and ask a Cross section of kids where they think milk comes from and you might be surprised when they answer "the shop" or "milk powder". What does that make them? If being human is to understand the world around you then what species are those who do not?

Well... That's just a little for ya, but that doesn't relate to the title does it?
Indeed, what I mean by the title is basically our nature. we've developed science and research and so many wonderful, beautiful things. We're looking at space and trying to work out how it came to be. All through the history of history its self we've been coming up with our little creation theories. The Big bang is one of them.
Out of the theory of the creation of the universe, comes the theory of the "anti-galaxies" or the "antiverses" or something such as that. It being basically that there are as many positives as there are negatives and we're one of the positives... or the negatives...
The theory is that if a negative collides with a positive that it will result in complete neutralisation and there'll just suddenly be nothing there.
The idea is that there was nothing there in the first place... A bit like this:

0=-1+1-99+70-1+25-5+10-2+3-1=0

Understand? Well... After pondering on that... I came to one thought. So this suggests that we're just a big chunk of... nothing? (Maybe even a comparably small chunk of nothing).
So we started reading into something, wondering at the dawn of our time, how we came to be. We made it something magnificent, often a hero's tale or two... then we made it nothing, really nothing.

I think, in our search to know the truth we are loosing our most human ability- to believe. If we know, we can't guess or assume that it's something beautiful and wonderful. Any animal can know. A cat knows what the tins next to the front door hold- food- and who can get it for them- the humans. A fox knows the noise of the horn or the hounds. A bird knows what worm to eat. A woodlouse knows to hide in the shade. A spider knows how to make a web. However, they do not have the luxury of being able to take chances as we do. They do not have the opportunity to create something purely impossible! They can not believe.

Just some silly, useless pondering.

Black tea, no sugar ; confessions of a caddy

2008-06-19T04:18:00.000-07:00

Behold! I have an occupation! I have a title... that I've given myself... I am the caddy! No! I don't play the golf, I just carry around the bag... quite redundant really. I was really aiming for the post as the secretary- noting down messages, answering the phone and making coffee is more my thing.

All I have to do is sit around and wait for orders- enduring my brother's bad welsh... his bad english... and his particularly bad french! (I love him really!) I just get boxes, fill boxes, stand around, wonder into the house, do whatever else they tell me to and then go get the shopping in from the car...

Ah well... I've worked something new out today, while I was playing solitair (or however it's spelt!). If you've already planned what you're looking for, then you'll never, ever, ever, ever, ever find what's really needed. (In other words, low expectations! Just kidding.) If I'm looking for a million I'll miss my chance for the billion. If I'm looking for a cottage I might not spot the mansion!

Whatever it means, whether dad thinks it's wise or not, I have decided that they're going to be my words of wisdom from now on. I mean, they don't have much competition with the only other ones being:

Words are sacred- it's a complicated thing that I managed to work out so even I've forgotten how it works...

and

Even that which is shone apon by the brightest of lights (excluding the light that would burn it into smitherenes of course!) casts a shadow- it generally meens there's no such thing as a good deed.

Just watching a DVD that I stole... (hehem- BORROWED WITHOUT CONSENT)... You see, I don't see it as being borrowing without consent. I completely consented to borrow it, and Jamey will never know!

Ending the era of Eve of Penlan Oleu

2008-05-26T10:03:00.000-07:00

My fingers are numb and it's rather difficult to type but, not long ago, I was gardening.

I was adding a few paragraphs to my story when Dad called me. I turned off my loud music- I was listening to Bryan Ferry on i-Tunes- and called back saying I was at the computer (while annoyedly thinking "you're going to ask me to feed the cats, even after I made such a mess yesterday, aren't you?")

He said "Being very discrete, without telling the boys..."

"What's happened?" I put in, not thinking much about it. It was more, please explain to me because you never do and you send me off on missions that I have no idea about.

"I want you to do something because it's you that's used to dealing with these things and you usually do it." Why all the secrecy about feeding the cats? "I want you to dig a grave, and don't tell the boys because they'll be upset."

"Oh." I said. Lileths' kittens weren't expected to live, but I didn't think they'd have died out in the open because they can't crawl that far and Lileth's hidden them somewhere.

"It's Eve." I felt my own eyes widen and sensed my surprise. There are some who you just view as being immortal, you know they're going to die you just don't think they're going to die. You feel as if they're going to live forever because they've lived forever so far, haven't they?

Eve was old and I'm quite ready to accept this. I got on my boots and my jumper over my nighty- even though it's past three o' clock, PM. I asked whether we could have a wooden box- one of the wine boxes- and Dad got to cracking it open. When I was leaving the room, the boys were informed that Eve was dead and that was what was going on.

I was half expecting walking to the back door and nothing being around. I was half expecting to open the door and for Eve to be there, licking her paw and trying to dodge my grasp as she thundered through the door. However, you just don't always get what you predict.

She lay across the ground, and she was not asleep nor awake. Her eyes were like black holes in her white head. She was completely still- no breathing. I knew she was dead and there was something very surreal about the similarity of a previous death (however it only comes to mind when I think of it now).

I lifted her up and placed her in the box and when I turned I saw gazers in the window. A few minutes later and Paul was standing there, asking to see. Perhaps he was like me. He didn't believe either and it was that thought that overcame the other in my head. I said to myself, "you sick little child", before I opened the lightly placed lid and I could see he only believed it when he saw her.

Dad soon came to nail down the lid and he didn't take much time. "She can't have been dead for more than an hour." He said and I thought it would have surprised me if she'd been dead for more than twenty minutes. The lid was in two halves, and he nailed down the first and every thought in my mind wanted me to wait and make sure. Most of my mind still didn't believe it. We felt her chest again. She was not breathing and there was no heart beat. She hadn't blinked at all. Her eyes were still those dark holes in her head that I just wanted to close. She was still warm and it made me feel even more and more unsure.

"Nos Da, Eve" (good night, Eve) I said to her as we nailed down the other half of the lid. She was dead. It was something we knew but didn't believe.

Not long after that, I went to get the fork and came back to see Tali had the spade. We stood around for a few moments. I said to Daniel that he should decide where to bury her, he was closest to her out of all of the cats. He couldn't think of anywhere. Tali suggested down in the field and I agreed.

I was thinking of the orchard as we walked there, but we didn't reach it and just stood and looked around. Tali suggested we bury her by one of the standing stones. "Which one?" He asked, when I agreed.

"That one." I pointed to the middle one as I put the coffin (wine box, actually) down. Daniel was about to start digging with the fork when Tali said, "no, you have to start here."

They swapped tools and Tali started to fork up the soil. It took a while. We stood around, with the cold wind that combed the mountain stinging our cheeks. I struggled to keep my hood up and was mostly occupied with rubbing my arms through my fleece jumper while the boys dug the hole.

"How deep?" (Tali)
"A few inches deeper than the coffin" (Me) "In case the grass blows away." I didn't need to explain this for the boys, only for myself.

Tali and Daniel took it in turns. Tali forked the ground then stopped so Dan could spade it onto the grass next to the hole. I just stared over Goodwick Bay. She's lucky to be buried here, I thought. Even if the clouds are out, threatening us with rain and the winds are harsh. It was dry, so that made it easier.

I thought, perhaps, that I should pull up a chair to sit down. Would that be respectful?

"Don't put the soil on the grass." (tali)
Grunt. (Dan)
"Yeah, err... you've got to keep them separate because the grass has got to go on top." (Me, again I was explaining not for him but for myself)

Soon after:
"Is it deep enough?" (Tali) Why should I be the one to ask?
"Yes... I think, what do you think?"

Tali put the coffin in the hole and levelled it. Then we started to spade mud onto it. Daniel shoved rough spadefuls on top and Tali level them out while I, again, stood idly at the side with my arms folded at my chest.

"Nos Da, Eve." I said for the third time- one of the times is lost somewhere in the duration of the burial or when I was putting her in the box (but I can't remember when). I suggested we put one of the bigger rocks on top, as a kind of mini grave stone in addition to the standing stone next to which she was buried. Tali stood the rock up and Dan and him put tufts of turf around it.

I put the last tuft on and Daniel said "Rest in peace" to which I had the chance to dryly respond with "Ashes to ashes, dust to dust" and he cracked a smile. Then we walked away. I thought Dan would stand a while, but he followed us back to the house.

I don't mention tears. I don't mention crying or saying anything with much sadness even though I could describe some things like that but what I really felt was that little bit of guilt. After all, I always favoured the other cats even though Eve went through a bloody hard job bringing most of them into this world. I was always the one saying "Piss off, Eve!" when she affectionately jumped up onto my lap. At least she had an alright last night, she got to watch the eurovision song contest from Dan's lap and had all the fuss to go with it.

The fourth time I'll say this, but here I go...

"Nos da, Eve."

You deserve it.

Soo....

2008-05-21T02:20:00.000-07:00

After reading all my blog posts I've realised I've left something out. Even though it may seam like I hate my family and would do anything to be counted separately to them and abolish their expectations of me, I love every one as well... So I thought I'd reassure every one by posting this...

Reasons to idolise my Dad:
1) Who else can go seventy MPH and not realise it yet make doing twenty five look so cool!?
2) Dad's generally cool!
3) He teaches us self defense!
4) He's a psychologist- coincidentally what I want to be!

Reasons to idolise my mum:
1) She's so cool- all my friends' parents are really boring!
2) She's intelligent.
3) She's cool. Have I already said that? Ah well!
4) She's mum! She gives me knock out advice and does all that stuff mums do.

Reasons to idolise Jamey:
(Tumble weeds roll by)... I'm thinking... thinking... J/K....
1) He teaches us about computers and graphic art
2) He's the GM (must worship the GM or you get pooned in D&D and all)
3) All my friends have crushes on him!

Reasons to idolise Ferne:
1) She actually owns her own house... I think... does she?
2) She's doing well for herself!
3) She's a lovely funny character... who seams to still annoy mum when she's left home!

Reasons to love Branwen Machanwen:
1) She's bigger than me, do I have a choice?
2) We share a bedroom, again, do I have a choice?
3) She is my sister... do I?
4) Of course I love her! She's clever, she'd my companion in crime and I am her evil minion! She's clever, arty, great at photography,....

Reasons to Love Tali:
1)Errrrrrrrrmmmmmm.... ooo....????....Haha! Tali's gonna go bald! (I only hate him because we're so similar)
2) He's a crafty little bugger! He's a really bad liar and come up with the worst stories ever!
3) He's very good at.... fixing cars?

Reasons Daniel T is cool:
1) He's alright....
2) he's reasonably quiet, even if he's a TV hog I don't really mind and he's the kind of brother you like watching TV with! Eurovision song contest this Saturday! Wahoo!
3) He's funny sometimes.

Reasons Daniel P is cool:
1) He's not bad, even if he's annoying... He's good for insult practice- merely because I can use the longer words, I have ready for my girl friends, and he won't understand what I'm saying and I'm sure he knows I don't really mean it. I be mean, in that way because it can't hurt him so much as being mean in other ways....
2) I may be really spiteful to him (but I'm spiteful to every one! It's the only thing I'm good at!), but he's my lil bro and he can always call his "big sis" on you if he's you're giving him trouble and boy you gotta look out if he calls me on you!

Reasons I'll miss Paul if he goes:
1) DVDs! Sharing DVDs with Paul is good- We like pretty much the same stuff except I don't really have an appetite for horrors.
2) He's huggable. Why do all the little ones look up to me? (That's when Dad would say "because tall people would find it difficult", because I'm the short one)
3) Just general Paul. Why not? He's cleverer than he looks and Gawd he's gonna be my handsome lil bro!

Reasons Gwion's my little evil minion:
1) He's little!
2) He's evil!
3) He's my minion!
4) He's a lovely kid, you just want to take care of him! not me! I want to make him a tough little sod, but now he's a spoilt one!
5) He's going to grow up to be just like me!

Things are nearly over

2008-05-01T09:34:00.000-07:00

I'm rather impressed with that last post of mine, I think I write really well when I'm just writing in pure anger. Since then, I've decided to rename Mr T to Mr QG (Quadroppal G or "God's Gift to Green Goddesses" or so he thinks he is*). * However, it takes someone a little more sentimental to actualy respect a Green Goddess.

Over the next two months all that's going to be on my agenda is exames, pretty much. In about a week and a few days I will only have to come to school half the time- that's when I have my exames. I'm worried about my welsh and my french. My french oral was yesterday and it seamed very short, though the time it took leading up to it seamed to last a life time. I wish I'd revised a certain few things, but how was I supposed to know what questions she'd ask? Between the "err"s and "ah"s and "uhmm"s it was obvious that, out of the six topics given to revise, I'd thought "What are the chances!?" and revised four. How amusing? Errr.... J'ai... J'ai alle en Bratange avec ma famille. Il faisait beaux... Oui... err... No-Non... Repitez vous s'il vous plait...

The welsh oral, however, was very different. I felt guilty as I was supposed to be working in a group of three and quite a substantial amount of the tape was covered by my voice. There were no "Uhm"s, "Ahh"s or "Errr"s, I certainly knew my stuff! The writeen exame is not going to be such a breeze. I'm always handycapped by my bad spelling, messy writing and.... a certain lack of revision.

I'll be glad when it's all over. No more worries... However, my A level choices are rather depressingly academic: Maths, further maths, chemistry, biology and... you guessed it! physics! I've chosen a life of sheer boredom, I'll probably get paid for being a nerd... That's if I'm any good at it. The truth is, I want to be a psychologist or an architect. Nothing else seems, academically, to entice me... mauybe I'll become a researcher in the lines of cancer but I really want to be a psychologist to specialise in autism and children psychology. This I think would be good- even if I'm mean... or maybe I should be like Boyde! I should become a forensic psychology... maybe when I learn to spell the b!*#$y word!

Well, see y'all later!

What does it take to be taken seriously?

2008-04-21T12:54:00.000-07:00

Obviously more than telling the truth, talking about the way you feel or even doing what is usually required in earning respect! When comes the time that if you've worked hard, got results and worked harder to get the rest of them untill you can't even think without it being to do with algebraic fractions, how you mispelt a word in your last essay, twice, and what your next comment on Mondriannes' grey tree is going to be! A*. A*. A*... the prodigy of our family, who is the famous proof that "Spierlings don't do duffers" is not likely to do his A-levels in the school I'm in which is... according to the one who designated Mr T as the prodigy who can do ANYTHING!... the best in the region. I don't want to sound like some ingrateful little girl who's got all the best things, I'm merely assessing what the possible answer to the above question is. it's a straighter and more relavent question than it looks, even though it's been overused in films as merely a way of trying to get someone's attention.

The only thing I've been taught* to get attention is violence and screaming- that can't be good.

Taught* - taught is a very different thing to being told, the people around me have very deliberately told me one thing and taught me another. as far as I know people don't listen to you when you tell the truth even if you are polite, honest and present the proof. however, I have noticed that shouting and sreaming and throwing things and carrying on for a long time aids the sound on its' way to the ears of whomever you attempting to conact. I have also noticed that visual signals are easier to send, perhaps the faster light is in comparison with sound may mean that there is less of a possibility of all this "interfearence" that physics teachers tell us all about.

I'm sorry, but I don't think I am a lazy person. Last Jully, I worked from 8:30 AM to 2:30 AM (the next morning) for three days and my father persists to call me lazy. I'm sorry but, as far as i know, my hours were longer than his yet he still missed lunch, brekfast and tea while I made a point of working with food in hand, to keep myself on the job. Dad doesn't respect that I was at the gate by half eight and I only finished telling the drunks (who were definately atleast three times my size) that they weren't allowed to smoke indoors. I'm very, very, very sorry Dad. not sorry for the fact that i'm lazy because that would be feeling guilty for something I have DEFINATEY NOT DONE! and I believe that if I did that all the time I would not be a very happy person and would not have been in any ft state with myself to even have been going to school when I was five... anyway... I'm very sory that the only thing that you have on me is that I am "lazy" because this is what you believe I am in comparison to the Oh so perfect one!

Of course, when people start judging me by how they judge themselves and looking at themselves before they decide to 'persecute' others, I will sccept willingly and be glad to recieve any critisism from such people. I hope that any body reading posesses the maturity to understand that this was not entirely a selfish post, as I know my father has trouble taking anybody seriously and so do a few other people in my surroundings and this sits as a warning on the mantlepiece to anybody who decides to enter my metaphorical living room. "buzz off if you're about to have a go at me, because if you're looking at a dot on the table cloth you're not exactly gonna be able to reconstruct the entire pattern from your head"... DON'T DARE JUDGE ME FROM THE LITTLE YOU KNOW!!!!

Sibling rivalary

2007-12-06T10:42:00.000-08:00

Is it my fault? yes this is a little teenish but that's what I'm here for! I it my fault that I feel I've been unfarely treated? M&D have just been talking about the woodland management course she's been on for a while.... you know? that one I've been begging to go on... (even if I have school) but I can copy up!!!! I can go for a volunteering day! Just one! She seams to think I'm as incompetent as to not be able to do that! She doesn't trust me to cross the bloody road!
They say that Tess (Mr T, my brother) should go on it... after all, he's such a "Practical man". No one's even given me a chance! I'm not allowed to touch anything but a mic', a pen and penci... I don't want what I can do to limited by my bloody parents!!!! I find this really unfair!!!!!!!
I just don't want to be only able to do a few things. Over the last few weeks I've realised I'm lacking in practical skills... I can't cook, I can't use electronics, I can't do DIY, I can't do anything to do with machanics, my sewing skills are terrible.................. ........................ ................... Why? That's because I HAVE TO BE THE ACADEMIC ONE!!!!!! I don't want to be the one whome every one sais "Don't listen to her, she only knows it in theory, she can't even hold a stick up straight...." The only thing I can do with my hands is make a TeePee... and I can't even do one of those properly... I guess the fact that Taliesin's den is made of wood and Tarpolin while mine is made of Breeze blocks and zink... hahaha, let's see them dismantel that one.... shows that I can do something. Though I must admit that you can't fit in it...
"Mr T's gonna be a milionaire!" "Mr T's the busines man!"... welll, he'll only be a milionaire to himself... and that's only because he doesn't know how many nauts there are in a milion! oooo, I'm mean!!!! I can be nasty, but that's spiteful!
I don't get it! Can't I be a milionaire!? Can't B (younger sister, and T's twin, also named Zizy for future reference) be a milionaire!? Can't Gweez (other younger borther) be a milionaire?! Zilsy might be a brilliant scientists, or she might take up rugby again... Gweez is only little, he's got so much to proove- except that he can probably cry for planet earth ( and that's even against those other creatures who have specialised at this!)... I think that Gweez will make a good rugby player, everyone sais he's going to be tall and stocky and I hope that he is!!!!
What id I become the Blues-Rock singer my friends say I should become? What if I start to write my books? What if I sell some of my art? What if I become a scientist, researching into cancer- hich is one of my stranger dreams?

Christmas!!!

2007-12-02T02:20:00.000-08:00

Yay! 'Tis the season. Yay! Presents....? Welll, the major setback with that is that I'm broke... yet I should be getting other people presents.... Oh help! An article in the new scientist magazine was most informative and inspiring with my Christmas present wishlist! How wonderful! So then... I want an I-karaoke, I want Neon lights in my mirror, I want... I want.... I want...!!! But what to buy the brothers and sister for no money at all... I have been informed that my presents have already been bought... welll... oops! Hopefully they won't notice? They won't, right?
The presents for darling mother and darling father willl be the most difficult, mum and dad expect the most flash for the most cash! I love them... but with but £11.67 and €0.03 left, it would make a rather interesting choice of gifts...
As people would know, I'm not very crafty when it comes to making things... I once made mum a jewelery box... 'nuff said... That's proven me wrong, the best present I gave mum was a picture made by my brother, sister and I! It was lovely! But that's it... We bought her a perfume that, after a few hour of wear, woud start to smell less like vanilla and more like pee.... GREAT! Most considerate gift ever! right?
The problem is that... no.... less of that... We love mum and dad. Surely love in it's self is a large enough gift...

School computers

2007-09-25T01:12:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting here, at one of the school computers. These computers have been carefully selected from all within a certain price range with every single need put into mind. For example, these laptops have uilt in speakers so that extra ecquipment is not needed and therefor there aren't many wires and very little mess. What they don't have is volume settings so when you come to a certain website which isn't exactly silent- background music, those funny little signs when you click on links...- you're not exactly going to be completely inconspicuous in a class of silent students when, all of a sudden, you hear "Welcome to the realm of darkness"...
THank you school! It's not my fault! I was completely innocent! I swear, I was doing my homework!!!... Well.... It is does depend slightly on how you enterpret "homework"... for example, work you do at home? No? Oh well... it was worth a try. They think that going onto http://www.fetchfido.com/ might have some influence on how fast your work comes in. Perhaps it does. Maybe.
Another problem with the computers is that they're insuring that you are actually doing your work by blocking any interesting websites... From the list are:
http://www.veoh.com/
http://www.youtube.com/
Google video
http://www.hexrpg.com/
http://www.bebo.com/
hotmail and yahoo mail...
Hmmm... We have little to do but work. So how do they hope to enterpret a free lesson of computers? What are we supposed to do?!! It seams also that the rules have less influence on what is allowed or not than the teachers. For example, you will find teachers looking at special inter-sales websites buying boats but they've blocked E-bay. How did my Tech' teacher manage to get tha background of his with the motorbike race on it while typing anything from "Yamaha" to "ford" on google search is blocked? Hmmm... All the science teachers seam to have downloaded the "who wants to be a milionaire" game from the internet while we suffer if we try to access http://www.xgenstudios.com/...
Very fair indeed.

Being the first aider....

2007-09-21T14:32:00.000-07:00

Listening to people and comforting them can be a very good thing, everybody sais that. But what happens when you're helping two people who are complete enemies? You are being a great friend... you think.... you are being a wonderful person... you think... and then, all of a sudden you've just said one thing to one person and another to another and without realising it you're the badguy. No, the badguy isn't the badguy any more. They come out with... well she said this and this... but she told me this and this.... But that means she lied...
Oh great, here you are and they're friends with each other again. That's nice. But are they friends with you? NO! You're the one that was in the wrong. She may have said that the other was a bitch. She may have said that the other was a slag. She may have said that the other dressed as if going as one of the ugly step sisters or one of the witches from Hocus Pocus to a fancy dress party. BUT YOU'RE THE ONE WHO LISTENED AND SAID NOTHING.... thanks guys, I feel great.
The worse situation is when they say "what do you think I should do?"... now it's definitely your fault. Hmmmm... GRRReat! The best thing is to say "do as you feel is right"... but then you end up with girls in tears and nail cratches like claw marks on their cheeks. What if you say "be careful what you do", hmmm... not such an extreme situation, but what do you end up with- serious restraint from one party resulting in an explosion. So, you're left with no obvious option. Well... typical post so far...
Indeed, there are no interesting subjects in this... but that i to do with the fact that I have nothing interesting to say at the moment. Thank you for reading, for if you're reading this part then the chances are you've actually read the entire thing through. So, thank you.